Oh MY did I just post a picture of Peter and I kissing on xanga? Why, yes, yes I did. Mostly because we aren't really kissing. I am trying not to laugh. Look at my boob though! My that is a shapely boob that I have. And ohhhh his beard...and curly hair....Actually this photo makes me want to do horrible things.

But that is not the point.

I love him, I miss him, and I want it to be June NOW.

That's the point.

So I've been having a pretty crappy weekend.

But then I just saw this Christmas commercial and suddenly got very excited to get my parents some kickass Christmas presents because they always make my Christmas so I think maybe I should start making theirs.

And my mom would drop dead if she read that.

But I can't turn it off and the light is orange...it is going to blow up!

That is what my mom said to me when I told her not to turn the computer off by unplugging it from the wall.

I've been up in Fairbanks for a few days now. It has been pretty cold here (like 20 to 30 below most of the time). But there is snow and it is actually winter so that makes me happy!!

I've still got a little bit of jet lag and have been going to bed early and sleeping in, but I get to sleep with Peter so it really doesn't matter. It is super nice to be back. I'm doing my best to not be emo about leaving again though. We've still got stuff to work on though, this is just a temporary fix.

So Friday we slept in then Peter had to go to work for a while. I did a little bit of work and took a nap. Friday night was my first Friday night supper with his friends. It was okay, a lot of new people though. It's hard to not feel nostalgic about last year and Ryan and the way things used to be. It is like you leave and things are one way then you come back and they are totally different.

Saturday we went to Chena hot springs and skiied a little in 30 below. I still am not a fan of cross country skiing...they are too thin and tippy and soooo much effort.... The hot springs was pretty nice and hot though. The walk to the actual springs was sucky - they walkway was pretty much a layer of ice. Peter's feet are kind of funny colored and peeling from it. I think we stayed in too long because when I got out I thought I was going to pass out. Lesson: freaking eat first. Saturday night we made homemade pizza and watched Blazing Saddles, but I kept falling asleep.

Today Peter is watching his football team lose and I'm not sure what else we will do. It's just nice to be able to wake up and cuddle or go to bed and cuddle or eat lunch and cuddle. CUDDLING yay!

And 8. We are up to 8 times.

Drove by the hospital in Bangor yesterday. I am not sure when the last time I drove by there was, but there is now a parking garage right next to the road.

Bizarre!

Oh boy, I have a case of the Mondays....the good kind though.

Went to the pool with Justin today. It was mostly to prove to myself that I can do it, partly to prove it to Peter, partly because I like the hot tub but don't like sitting in it alone.

I could tell Peter was kind of upset when I got back, which devolved into me really realizing for the first time the full impact of what happened. He's never been worried about me like that... We were doing fine...We were depressed, put out, but ultimately ok - comfortable with each other. Now we are just trying to hang on for two more weeks, but I think that despite all of the "it's going to be ok" deep down we are both really worried that it's not going to be ok.

I was laying here earlier on the phone with him and I could remember everything about the way it felt to cuddle with him. I could imagine my head on his shoulder and my arm around his chest and my leg curled up over his legs. I could smell him, I could see him breathing. I could imagine what we had been doing before and what we were likely to do after....but I couldn't feel him. Just my blankets. It broke my heart for a minute to not be able to remember what he felt like.

I promise to never take it for granted that I can hug my boyfriend every day.

What am I supposed to make of all of this?

We did the worst possible thing that we could do to each other on the same night....No planning, no knowledge of what the other was doing.

What does that mean? We're just really connected? Something happened between us right before that prompted it? Totally random? God?

As I struggle to cope with what actually happened, I feel like I need to come to an understanding of why we did it on the same night.

This has happened to us a few times before - with nondestructive things. What does it mean? Where does it come from? What if this is really a bad sign?

What if love isn't enough? What if we really love each other but 7 more months of this is just too much? How much more until we break? How much more until one of us gives up?

I wish more than anything that someone could answer these questions for me. I almost don't even care if there is a right answer, but if someone lies and says they are right it will at least create some kind of illusion of hope.

I haven't had any more nightmares since I wrote my last one down, but in my dream last night I got onto facebook and it said I was single. I didn't remember how it happened, but I had a feeling that I had chosen to break up with him. And I started to panic because I was like, no, not this again, I'm just going to want to get back together with him. Why am I bothering to put either of us through that?

I had to actually check this morning to make sure that I hadn't really done it.

No. I wish more than anything that this would all just end. It's like. Ok, we've suffered enough, we learned whatever lessons needed to be learned. Things are supposed to get better now...But instead there is just 7 more months of separation and depression and cheating and pain with very little hope of making it through together and undamaged.

If I look at all of the things holding me back from just leaving here right now...Or after the semester...I wonder what I really want or need more. No...I mean, I really wonder...I play things out in my mind - what if I did this? or that? - but all options have the same amount of struggle - it's just...what kind of struggle do I want to deal with?

Magic 8 ball, where are you when I need you?

I don't like it when people argue that gay marriage shouldn't be legalized because marriage is meant to celebrate two people coming together to make new life.

Does that mean sterile male-female couples can't get married too?

Potential schedule for next year:

Class 2-5 Tuesday and Thursday.

YEAH

Oh wait, I'd rather be in class than at work.

fml